Today I'll tell all the candidates some secrets to getting elected in the wonderful, wacky world of Oak Park politics. I know whereof I speak. I've lived in Oak Park since 1976, and I've never lost an election. I've run for office only once, but I did win. I served four years on the District 97 board. No time off for good behavior.

First, sit down and take inventory of yourself. The electorate wants someone who is nice, reasonably intelligent and will work hard to represent them. They don't want to vote for a weird person. So hide all your quirks and dark pathologies until after you're elected. There will be plenty of time to utterly crush your enemies. If you have a strong résumé, emphasize it. I graduated from the University of Chicago Law School. I dropped that little tidbit constantly. Seemed to work. By all means, tout service on do-gooder entities to demonstrate your civitas. Don't worry if you missed most meetings. No one will check. Convert negatives into positives. If you don't have a job, say you're a consultant or that you ran your own business.

Second, gather as many endorsements as you can. Voters need the imprimatur of an objective third party. Many of the endorsing groups have special agendas. Tell them what they want to hear, and you will get their endorsement. I told the teachers they should get more money. I told the special ed parents they should have more say so. I told the anti-taxers that I was against taxes. I got all their endorsements. Piece of cake. I did have a little trouble with the NAACP. They asked me what a white boy from Indiana knew about the black condition. I told them I had read Invisible Man and had taken a black history course at Vanderbilt. A pause followed. I fled from the room. Try hard for the newspapers' endorsements. Even if you're not strong, they'll usually feel compelled to endorse at least a couple of lame candidacies, to demonstrate their independence.

There are, of course, the issues. I wouldn't get too specific. I'd go with calling for sacrifice in these difficult times. Budget cutting will be the order of the day, so get ahead on that issue. Talk about doing more with less. Transparency may have seen its better days, but it still has a little cache. Green is good. If you're running for school board, be clear that closing the achievement gap is a priority. Never mind that every candidate for 20 years has had the same priority with no appreciable narrowing of the gap. Maybe you're the guy or gal to get it done. I hope so.

Be affable. Be friendly to the other candidates. Be funny. Voters like funny, but not too funny.

Now, here's some real-life advice. Never sit down on the toilet without checking the roll. Never fight someone with a hook. Most important, never run for public office in Oak Park. It's not too late to withdraw.

John Hubbuch, an Indiana native who moved to Oak Park in 1976, is a retired lawyer. Hubbuch served on the District 97 school board and coached youth sports. He is the father of three and grandfather of one.